Sticks and Stones
As a society, we tend to categorize folks. Introverts or extroverts. Calm or anxious. Easy to get along with or difficult. I struggle with these categorizations because I feel that they oversimplify matters. It has been my experience that most people shift how they behave based on who they are with, the environment they are in and the situation. As a result, I often question the benefit of these labels.
My greatest concern in this respect surrounds the impact of negative labels, in terms of what they project and the assumptions that are made around them. Groundbreaking research by Dr. Linda Ippolito and others in the field of dispute resolution consider our tendency to use military-inspired and often violent labels to describe others involved in a dispute. Dr. Ippolito suggests instead that we view all involved in a conflict as members of an orchestra to promote collaborative mindsets and working together. I have previously applied this concept to the condominium setting in respect of how members of the board of directors should view one another, and suggested that a board should look at itself as a band.
Tambourine
Chris Rock popularly embraced the band mindset in a stand up special, pointing out that there are different roles to play in a band. “Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right.” The concept is that everyone should do their part to contribute, and give it their best effort to make the whole the best it can be.
There is a very different mindset that comes when you look at others involved in an issue as your bandmates as opposed to your enemy. From the role they play in the outcome to your mentality around their well being. Even on a subconscious level, messaging that embraces working together rather than being at war can foster collaboration rather than adversarial thinking.
In the condominium space, we commonly see the use of alliteration in certain go-to labels. Terms like “condo commando” to describe a unit owner viewed as difficult or “bully board” to describe a board viewed as pushing people around. While these names can be effective at projecting an opinion about the way someone behaves, they do not promote working with those being handed such titles.
Labels of this nature promote viewing those involved in a dispute as “the other”. Part of this stems from tendency to avoid conflict, a mindset that views it in and of itself as something bad. The thing is that conflict is natural and should be expected.
The notion of shifting the mindset away from conflict being bad is captured well by Amanda Ripley, who distinguishes the notion of good conflict and high conflict. High conflict involves an “us vs. them” way of looking at things, that becomes all encompassing and make it hard to find an agreeable way forward.
Label The Conflict Rather Than The People In It
Ripley instead advocates for what she calls good conflict, where people can still have differing views and be passionate about them. With good conflict though, the dialog is productive and respectful. There is space for all to be heard. She goes as far as to suggest that we all need more good conflict.
It is not hard to see how attaching a negative label upon someone you are in conflict with and using military terms to describe how you will approach the issue move everything in the wrong direction. Particularly if there is going to be an ongoing relationship. Instead, we should encourage greater depth of understanding others and the layers that make up who they are. We can appreciate that everyone makes mistakes and create space to walk back actions that inflame conflict, saving face and treating all with respect and substance.
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